Monday, March 26, 2012

Observational Post: I'm slowly realizing...

That life is just plain confusing, and not just for me. So last night I learned one of my IRL friends unfriended me on FaceBook, and I have to admit it hurt. Now let me just say that since my stomach has been acting up for a couple of years now I haven't been going out and doing things with my friends and because of that my friends have just stopped talking to me. It makes me feel even more guilty for being sick and causes so much anger in me that they would just ditch me because of that. My best friend has all but stopped talking to me, which honestly stings the worse, and now a friend I was close to just unfriended me without any explanation. I went to her FaceBook page thinking maybe she deactivated for a while, but no she still has her page with her over a hundred friends, minus one. I felt really sad and sent her a simple message saying "I won't argue it and will just accept it.", and I left it at that. Oddly enough her husband was still friended to me, but I unfriended him because for one thing it would just be weird to have him on my list and not her, and second it would kill me seeing her talk to him and still not telling me why she dumped me. *shrugs* But oddly enough this is not the point of this post.

So yeah, I felt pretty bummed, so I blogged on my weight loss Tumblr for a while to just get remotivated for my weight loss. Things were going good until I found my way onto two blogs that are part of a blog trend on Tumblr. Private confessions blogs.  The two I found are about insecurities and confessions of teenagers.  The teenagers blog made me want to reach out to them and hug them and tell them it does get better, but then I thought about it. Does it? I mean yeah you get some freedom from some things, but if you are not effectively active in the direction you life is heading does it ever really get better?  My answer is no. And this became even more evident when I read the insecurities blog and read one confession that someone already had their suicide note written. This made me want to jump and go into saving mode, but then it hit me, its anonymous, so no way of finding the person.  Reading the confessions of these people who are sad, hurting, and lost has just added on to my thoughts that in the end none of us really know what we are doing or where we are headed and that I'm not really that alone in my thoughts or in my current life situation.  Sure, maybe there isn't anyone stuck at home because of stomach issues, but there are others stuck at home because they are afraid to leave the house or they can't leave the house and they are just as sad and alone as I am.

Then you add on to that the realization that I am different from my friends now. I don't see life the same way as they do, but then again maybe I do and I'm just more vocal about it. But I do know that we just don't have anything in common any more. The one thing we had in common before was we were kids and teens forced to go to the same place everyday and deal with roughly the same issues. But now that school is long over we've all just kind of drifted away. Its cool, but I just wish it hadn't taken me forever to let go of the dream we'd find our ways back to each other and still be friends. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? I now realize I need to forget about them and our friendships and move forward in my life alone. Well not alone, I have my family and my loving boyfriend, but its so hard leaving the "good" parts of my past behind. I kind of feel like my past defined me for the rest of my life. Kind of like I always saw myself as the fat girl, the fat girl in my friendships, and it took me a long while to see that my fat and obesity is a disease and not a characteristic of me. It does not describe who I am or who I will be. Only I can do that. And only I will do that.

Like I said, I'm a late bloomer, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it and realizing its ok. There are no set rules to life, although society would like to say there are.  Well screw you society! For years you have made me feel like I have deserved less because I was fat and multiracial.  I refuse to let you make me bitter and harden. Perhaps I can don a slightly thicker skin, but that's only so I will stop giving a crap about what anyone but I think about myself. Other than that society, you can kiss it. :-)

So in a nut shell I'm just observing a lot about life from my little glowing screen in front of me. Yes real life is online. That's where we all retreat to so we can connect to others. Its where we share our lives and try to become famous or at least infamous. In my eyes "real life" is not real because we all hide behind the masks that society forces us to wear. On the internet we are real, hidden behind our screen names, and from that you can really see how messed up we all are on a grand scale. You can really see how none of us are perfect. And the best thing of all, you can really see how much you aren't truly alone in whatever you are going through. Hum, life, she's one crazy bitch.  That's all for now kids. Time to take the blue pill and try to get some sleep.  Hope your day is awesome and talk to you soon. Be good until then. Bye for now.



Pleased to just be,
M.

2 comments:

Cat said...

I feel like I just read something I would have written. Thank you for being so open and honest. If you ever want a new internet friend who is a total homebody, haphazard writer, and also trying to lose weight. Just shoot me a message here: crushed.velvet.orchid5@gmail.com

Or we can be facebook friends. I can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=727776657

-Cat (^_^)

Michelle said...

Thank you Cat for your comment. It means the world to again know I am not alone in my thoughts or how I feel. I am always open to more friends and I will be dropping you a line for sure. Thank you again. :-)