Monday, March 26, 2012

Observational Post: *GASP* Rue is black?!?

So let me start off by saying I have not yet read The Hunger Games, but plan to in the very near future. But let me also say that you don't need to have read the novel to catch on to the fact that people are causing a stink because some of the movie characters are African American, even though in the book it clearly shows they have dark brown skin. Now I know after talking to various people online that dark brown skin can represent a lot of ethnic backgrounds, but in the novels it went on to say that the characters had thick hair. Now I don't know about you, but in my eyes that leans towards African or African American. To those of you who need it a little simpler, Black. Minus people of other races that have naturally curly hair, black people tend to be the ones with the thick hair and dark brown skin. So why is it a shock that Rue, the serious one in question, is black?

Now I know we are all guilty of generalizing that characters are white for the most part in novels. I'm guilty of it, you're guilty of it, we're all guilty of it.  But the times are changing people.  People of color exist if you want to face it or not and they are showing up in our novels and they are main characters of our novels too.  So why the sudden shock?  Why put out such hurtful tweets about how the movie was ruined because Rue was black?  I at first really got offended by this because I also am a gal sporting the "dark brown skin", and it just hurt that there is such disgust over Rue being black. Now I have been reading the Tumblr blog Hunger Game Tweets, and after reading some of the posts I have come to two conclusions about those posting the tweets.

From what I have observed, half of the tweeters are just straight out being rude and racist asses that should be called out on their rude tweets.  But then there is another half who I feel missed that line about Rue having dark brown skin and then formed a character in their mind, and when she ended up not being that character they grew to love in their mind they were saddened by it. Maybe their comments and realization that they were wrong about their beloved character came from a place of mourning.  They lost that blonde-haired girl they loved so much and just reacted in a way that kind of reminded me of the 5 stages of grief.  I mean think about it, first there is denial, these people are in denial that Rue isn't white but black. Next comes anger, they take to their Twitter and post nasty and racist comments about how Rue being black has ruined the movie for them and how a black girl is not the cute girl they pictured. Next is bargaining, not sure how they will do that here as everything is set and done. Perhaps some who learned of Rue's actress they made an appeal for a white actress to be cast instead. Now don't quote me on that, just trying to figure out how bargaining would work here.  Next step is depression, and a lot of these people are clearly depressed over the fact coming to light that Rue is black. And last comes acceptance, while some have "accepted it" they still don't like it. And well yeah there is nothing saying they have to like it, but it would be nice if these people could come to a place where the color of a person's skin doesn't describe their character for them. It should have never been a case that Rue was black, it should have been a case on if Rue's personality came to light on the screen.  I feel so sorry for the actress who played Rue. She's being ripped apart over the idiotic words of stupid assholes who didn't closely read the book. They are saying she's not pretty enough to be Rue, or that she isn't pretty at all, or plan out that she just an "N" word. What the hell people? What the hell?

Its actions like this that make me want to write the stories that float around in my head because a lot of them have main characters of color. I will just say characters of color because I want to explore all kinds of races and try to bring them to life in my stories. My novel "Jumper" has a lead female character who is multiracial, has three love interests throughout the story who are African American, biracial, and white, and a best friend who is white. Why? Because no matter how some people want to look at it, that's real life.  While I'm not denying characters in stories and mainly white, I am denying that that is the only way a book should be written or read. I hope to prove that in my stories. Now I don't plan on putting it right in your face the race of my characters because I don't feel that defines them. I don't want my readers to have a stereotypical voice in their head just because a character is a certain race. I want them to form their own opinion of who the character is after just a slight mention of what they look like. But then again Suzanne Collins did that and look how that tuned out. So I guess its a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. So I will just write the best novel I have in me and let people make their own opinions about it and I'll just keep on keeping on.  But it won't keep me from trying to introduce more color to the world.  No, I'm not an person of color who only plans to write about people of color, I actually have a novel in the works that so far only has white characters in it, but I am a person of color who feels if the character would be better off black or indian or hispanic then that is what they will be.  And that is all I have to say on that. Oh and also, Rue's black people.  Rue's black. Deal with it and move on. Thanks.

And on that note I'm going to go have my Subway flatbread sub waiting for me, watch Dancing with the Stars and Lost Girl, and then exercise. I will talk to you lovely folks later. Be good until then. Bye for now.

Ready to start her own hunger games with her sub,

Observational Post: I'm slowly realizing...

That life is just plain confusing, and not just for me. So last night I learned one of my IRL friends unfriended me on FaceBook, and I have to admit it hurt. Now let me just say that since my stomach has been acting up for a couple of years now I haven't been going out and doing things with my friends and because of that my friends have just stopped talking to me. It makes me feel even more guilty for being sick and causes so much anger in me that they would just ditch me because of that. My best friend has all but stopped talking to me, which honestly stings the worse, and now a friend I was close to just unfriended me without any explanation. I went to her FaceBook page thinking maybe she deactivated for a while, but no she still has her page with her over a hundred friends, minus one. I felt really sad and sent her a simple message saying "I won't argue it and will just accept it.", and I left it at that. Oddly enough her husband was still friended to me, but I unfriended him because for one thing it would just be weird to have him on my list and not her, and second it would kill me seeing her talk to him and still not telling me why she dumped me. *shrugs* But oddly enough this is not the point of this post.

So yeah, I felt pretty bummed, so I blogged on my weight loss Tumblr for a while to just get remotivated for my weight loss. Things were going good until I found my way onto two blogs that are part of a blog trend on Tumblr. Private confessions blogs.  The two I found are about insecurities and confessions of teenagers.  The teenagers blog made me want to reach out to them and hug them and tell them it does get better, but then I thought about it. Does it? I mean yeah you get some freedom from some things, but if you are not effectively active in the direction you life is heading does it ever really get better?  My answer is no. And this became even more evident when I read the insecurities blog and read one confession that someone already had their suicide note written. This made me want to jump and go into saving mode, but then it hit me, its anonymous, so no way of finding the person.  Reading the confessions of these people who are sad, hurting, and lost has just added on to my thoughts that in the end none of us really know what we are doing or where we are headed and that I'm not really that alone in my thoughts or in my current life situation.  Sure, maybe there isn't anyone stuck at home because of stomach issues, but there are others stuck at home because they are afraid to leave the house or they can't leave the house and they are just as sad and alone as I am.

Then you add on to that the realization that I am different from my friends now. I don't see life the same way as they do, but then again maybe I do and I'm just more vocal about it. But I do know that we just don't have anything in common any more. The one thing we had in common before was we were kids and teens forced to go to the same place everyday and deal with roughly the same issues. But now that school is long over we've all just kind of drifted away. Its cool, but I just wish it hadn't taken me forever to let go of the dream we'd find our ways back to each other and still be friends. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? I now realize I need to forget about them and our friendships and move forward in my life alone. Well not alone, I have my family and my loving boyfriend, but its so hard leaving the "good" parts of my past behind. I kind of feel like my past defined me for the rest of my life. Kind of like I always saw myself as the fat girl, the fat girl in my friendships, and it took me a long while to see that my fat and obesity is a disease and not a characteristic of me. It does not describe who I am or who I will be. Only I can do that. And only I will do that.

Like I said, I'm a late bloomer, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it and realizing its ok. There are no set rules to life, although society would like to say there are.  Well screw you society! For years you have made me feel like I have deserved less because I was fat and multiracial.  I refuse to let you make me bitter and harden. Perhaps I can don a slightly thicker skin, but that's only so I will stop giving a crap about what anyone but I think about myself. Other than that society, you can kiss it. :-)

So in a nut shell I'm just observing a lot about life from my little glowing screen in front of me. Yes real life is online. That's where we all retreat to so we can connect to others. Its where we share our lives and try to become famous or at least infamous. In my eyes "real life" is not real because we all hide behind the masks that society forces us to wear. On the internet we are real, hidden behind our screen names, and from that you can really see how messed up we all are on a grand scale. You can really see how none of us are perfect. And the best thing of all, you can really see how much you aren't truly alone in whatever you are going through. Hum, life, she's one crazy bitch.  That's all for now kids. Time to take the blue pill and try to get some sleep.  Hope your day is awesome and talk to you soon. Be good until then. Bye for now.

Pleased to just be,

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Well damn.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated on my schedule from two days ago.  Reason being?  I underestimated how hard it would be to figure out what I really wanted from my characters. I just now got them all fleshed out, at least the major and minor ones.  The ones that will show up on occassion can be fleshed out as we go along. So as I worked on this all today trying to finish my fleshing I thought to myself "You know, you only have three months to bust this all out", which is when I jumped and really started grabbing those characters of mine and shaking their story out of them.  *files nails* It worked.  :-)

So the characters have let me into their minds some and I'm super excited.  There names were so much fun to create, at least the first one. I'm kicking myself now because I realize I still need last names. *groans* But the first names all reflect the character and what they represent. For example, my "heel" in the story is named Cameron which means crooked nose. I kid you not. LOL!  So yeah there is a lot of that going on in this story.  So excited to work with these new characters for an old tale.  So yeah.

I still need to work on the scrapbooking of the characters. I want to try this out and see if it helps me get in touch with their character more. I might share the Pinterest links of their boards here when I am done, that's if I decide to keep them and use them.  I also need to sort out their last names, which can be like pulling teeth. Ugh!  But hey, I'm at least actively working on it and have been everyday since my last post.

As for weight loss...yeah not so good.  I'm not giving up, but I am still doing a weird awkward dance when it comes to weight loss. I will do it.  I have no other options. I'm unhealthy. Its just hard. But I won't give up.

And that's about it on my update. I'm off to eat some dinner, work on my characters some more, then exercise. Love you guys. Talk to you later. Be good until then. Bye for now.  :-)

Writing away excitedly,

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Observational Post: The Friends Only Blogs

So I like to observe things in my everyday life so as to squirrel things away to possibly use in novels later.  People watching is a sport I take seriously in a non-creeper sort of way.  So it hit me I should post my findings here for later use and for others who may be in need of some inspiration. I will call these nuggets of wisdom an "Observational Post".  Here we go.

So while searching the web for blogs to read I came across a ton of "friends only" or "friend locked" blogs. This means the person has locked their entries where only friends can see them.  Now I admit I used to lock some entries on my LiveJournal mirror blog but after a while I saw it as almost childish.  What I was saying really didn't need to be hidden.  I mean I chose to blog because I wanted to share my life and thoughts with people.  So why did I need to lock some of them for friends only?  I didn't, so I stopped doing it.

Now don't get me wrong, some people need that option to protect themselves from trolls, but it makes me wonder about the other people who use the lock option.  Are they just paranoid?  What do they feel will happen if a stranger reads their post? Are they worried someone will find their location and stalk them? Are they worried someone will use what they typed against them?  Or are they just a private person. I really tried to get into the mind of these individuals and have come to the conclusion that most of these bloggers are in the age range of teen-20s.  From what I've observed, older bloggers tend to not care as much who reads their blogs and actually encourage strangers to stop by to read them.  So is it an age and confidence issue?  Does it all come down to worry over what one might think of you and what you have to say?  Its quite interesting to think about this, especially after the amount I came across. I literally found tons of them.  So I wonder why the appeal for them. I did get an idea to use this idea of friend locking in a future story to add a little bit of edge to a story.  Will have to see about that.

Ok, so I just wanted to share my findings real quick before I head off to bed.  Talk to you all later.  Be good until then. Bye for now.

Sleepy and headachey,

What I Have Planned For Today

Ok, going to start off small so I don't overwhelm myself.  Here's the list.
  • Get Characters For "Jumper" Fleshed Out
  • Make Character Scrapbook Boards (more on this later)
  • Exercise
  • Research Shipping Prices For Boxes I Use And How To Get More Of Them
  • Decide On Inventory For Shop
That's all I expect myself to do today. If I can't do this then I have problems.  LOL!  I'll be back later to update.  Oh, if you look at the top of the page I've added an "About Me" section.  If you have the time check it out.  :-)  The other sections are under construction and should hopefully be up within a week. I have a lot of pictures and links to get for them. I'll let you know when they are done.  Ok, off to work on some of my characters before I sleep for a few hours.  Talk to you all later. Be good until then. Bye for now.

Feeling a bit sleepy,

Long Time No Write

Its been a while since I have written here.  To be honest I haven't had much to say when it comes to writing. I have not done much of it since Script Frenzy and Camp Nanowrimo last year.  Those two made my attempt at Nanowrimo just suck. I started it then let it die. I told myself last year that that was the last time I would do Nanowrimo and from now on would write all the time instead of once a year.  Yeah Spring has just started and I haven't written a damn thing. Shows how dedicated I am. Well, that is going to change starting today.

A lot of stuff has been going on with me in my life and I have been pulling back and hiding to avoid facing things and reality.  The reality of things is that I am unhealthy, lack willpower and determination, and constantly throw pity parties because I'm not getting results I want. *insert eye roll here*  From now on I'm going for "it".  What "it" is is weight loss, better health, finally starting my selling businesses, and finally working on writing and submitting for publication.

Great, now that I know what I want to do, start my businesses, get healthy, and become a published author, I need to figure out how to get to where I want to be. This is where things become muddled for me.  I don't know how to take the first step. Mind you, I know what the first step should be, and well yes I can actually take that first step, but I guess its the second step that is hardest for me. How do I continue to work and strive towards my goal. I always mess up and have to start over on everything and I know if I don't want to do that anymore I have to stop quitting.  So here goes.  Here's my attempt at doing so. Its a new season, a fresh start. By the beginning of summer I want to have my novel "Jumper" written. Yes I am still working on that, oh and I have done some changes to it. For one thing I've change the main characters' names that are more fitting to them. Also I don't think the story will be called "Jumper" any more, but for now it will stay. I know if I do get published the name will change to something better, at least I hope it it better change to something better. LOL!  And well right now I am at outlining stage...again. I know, craptastic, but it is what it is. The stories I wrote just never seemed right. Its going in the right direction but its just not there yet. So I am back to square one. I'll be sharing more details about my novel here as it unfolds. At this point I have changed character names, removed some characters, added some characters, and I am still working on the plot.  More to come.

As for health, I am finding it so hard to exercise and stick to my diet, and I just wish I could bribe myself to do it somehow. I have tried it before and it just doesn't work. I don't think I have mentioned it here before, but I am a doll collector of various dolls from cheap dollar store dolls to expensive Asian ball-joint dolls, and I have a set of vintage Barbie dolls waiting for me as an incentive to lose a large sum of weight. They were bought I think in 2010 and I can't have them until I lose the weight. Now I tried this with a Blythe doll and I did lose the weight...only the put it back on again.  I think I put it back on because I did a lot of starving because I was bad off at the time and could barely eat. Since I didn't learn how to really lose weight the right way doing that I put the weight back on. This time I am doing it the right way so I know how to keep it off for good or at least how to lose it again if I do notice the weight creeping back up.  But it seems if I want anything done I need to bribe myself for what I want.

So what can I do to get myself to write more?  I need something to get me to write the novel and finish it.  What would be a good incentive?  Hummm.  I know, for finishing the novel by June 20, 2012, the first day of Summer, I will have earned myself 3 books to read, 3 notepads and pens, and a bottle of "For Audrey" China Glaze nail polish that I really really want.  And laugh if you must but I really want these things.  LOL!  Maybe some of you can relate to the love of books, notepads and pens,and nail polish. LOL!  I seldom buy new stuff for myself and I don't remember the last time I bought new books for myself.  I am thinking I want the "Hex Hall" series, and there are three of them out so I think its perfect. The notepad and pens are for outlining, brainstorming, and jotting when novel thoughts come to mind. And as for the pens, well you can never have enough pens, especially if they are cute.  :-)  I so need a counter of some sort to show this on the blog.  LOL!  As for editing bribing I'll worry about that later.  I'm thinking it will be something a little more enticing because I feel editing will be the hardest part for me.

Ok, now that I have that all done, now its just my business I need to force myself to start. I haven't done it yet because honestly I am scared of being a big mess up on it. I want to open my doll clothing business as well as my amigurumi pattern business. Later on I want to open a vintage clothing shop and an Ebay or Amazon shop with my boyfriend so we can attempt to work for ourselves. See, I've got plans, and they are good plans, I am just to scared to act on them. But that stops today. I have the two main shops I want to start set up already, I just need to put inventory in and start promoting.  That one I think will still take some time as I need to figure out prices, shipping, logos, promotion, etc. But once I get my first sale I will treat myself to stationary, tissue paper, and a tag paper punch as payment for a job well done and to make my packages I send out look nicer.  Ok so I have the incentive, I guess with this I just need a deadline. I'm giving myself a month to get everything in the shop and set up for business. On April 20, 2012 I will be open for business. Stay tuned.

And then we return to the big one, weight.  Yes, yes, I still have the dolls, but that is for ultimate goal weight or at least getting to a certain number in weight.  I need tinier incentives to get things going. Ok, I want something for the first 20 pounds. Since those pounds can be tricky and sneak back up on you I will do something small. I think a bottle of crackle or shatter nail polish or a pretty nail polish I like. I want to start small and leave bigger things for when the going gets tough, and we all know it will.  I can't set a real deadline on the 20 pounds, but I will give myself roughly 2 months. So by May 20, 2012 I need to be 20 pounds less.  I am not going to say my weight here because it's personal to me and I won't cheat because it won't benefit me any if I do. I don't need a bottle of nail polish that bad to cheat with this.  LOL!  So I will post a counter for that as well here on the blog.  And please don't worry, I will not make this into a weight loss blog, I'll just mention every now and again how my progress is going.  This blog is strictly to get my rear in gear and write this damn novel.

But now that I have incentives, what will the punishments be?  Perhaps the disappointment in myself and the embarrassment of having to admit here that I've failed will be enough. Yeah, the thought of admitting after I posted this post that I still failed after all is scary enough to make me at least try not to look like an ass on the internet.  So yeah, there.

Ok, I am actually glad I was able to talk this all out here. It really helps me feel a little more centered and less like I am free-falling into nowhere.  I was thinking of writing myself a daily schedule in a notebook so I didn't waste time during the day. I think I will do that then post a new entry here of what I will be doing today so I can be held accountable.  Perhaps my return to writing and blogging here will be my savoir.  No, not perhaps, it will be my savoir. I plan to blog everything about my writing and life in general to be accountable on everything.  So here we go, day one. I just need to get through the next roughly 17 hours and 17 minutes. If I can do that, its one step closer to goal. :-)  I'm going to close for now and go work on my schedule and some outlining. Talk to you all soon.

Off to conquer the day,